My Television is Broken

Not a surprise. The reason I have is a TV is that it's broken. But the point is that now it's broken and it doesn't work anymore. And that didn't used to be the case. It used to be broken but it still worked.

You see, many years ago when my older sister graduated from high school she was given a cheap combo TV/VCR as a graduation gift. Since she had received a generous admissions package at an East Coast school, she left the prized gift at home rather than risk shipping it across the country.

While it was at home, my younger sister placed a cassette into the VCR which wouldn't eject properly. After much manhandling, the cassette was removed (though destroyed in the process), but the poor innards of the television were hopelessly mangled. Now, whenever you turned the television on, it made a rather pathetic whirring sound, flashed the words "eject, eject, eject" on a blue screen, then promptly turned itself off.

And thus, it sat unused for many years. My sister graduated from college, moved back home, and after much enticement, came to live with me for a time in Oakland. One thing I lacked, and had lacked for several years, was a television set. So, she asked the menfolk of my family to try and repair her set so that she could bring it along with her.

This was the masculine fixation of my family when I arrived to claim my sister. Three brothers and my father each attacked the television set with a screwdriver and that most destructive form of male ingenuity. They probed, prodded, examined. Dismantled and rebuilt. Debated and consulted. But one by one, they resigned in defeat. Especially after one of my brothers was dealt a rather nasty shock by the tube.

Undeterred by such grim failure, I told my sister to bring the television set along anyhow. I figured somehow it'd turn out alright.

When we brought it to my apartment, I broke the TV in half, pulled out the circuit board with the VCR componenents, and randomly mashed a bunch of stuff around. I'd like to pretend there was science or technique to my method. But it was purely random. Figuring I'd smashed the damn thing beyond repair, I hastily crammed the innards back in, sealed the sides shut, and told my sister, like the Mad Hatter from Alice that it was "two days slow, that's the problem, it's two days slow." On a lark, I plugged it in, and voila! It was working.

It continued to work for nearly a year before it reverted to its former bad behaviors. Once again, I opened it up, examined the parts, then stuck them back in again. Not having done anything, I was again surprised to find that the television had mysteriously resumed operations.

And so it went. Eventually my sister moved in with her husband, and they left me the TV since I was the only one who could seem to make it run. Once every few months it would break. I would crack it open, do nothing much of anything, put it back together, and then it would work again.

The last time I opened it, about four months ago, I actually decided to do a little investigating. I found the circuit breaker which the VCR uses to cut power to the television. There appeared to be a little piece of metal, attached to the pins used to hold the magnetic tape against the reader, which would fall into place and connect the circuits when a tape was inserted. I figured, "this must be the source of the problem!" So, I adjusted the pins, the connection resumed, and the television became fully operational.

Until last week. Equipped with my new knowledge, I figured TV repair was going to be a cinch. So, I followed my own advice, adjusted the pins to connect the circuit, and reassembled the machine.

"Eject, eject, eject."

*click*

Well, I'll be damned. So I opened it up again. Reassured myself that I must have the right idea. Confirmed that the pin adjustment was working. Reassembled.

"Eject, eject, eject."

*click*

In the last week, I think I've probably given it a dozen goes. Clearly my solution was no solution at all. The last few tries have been a desparate attempt to reclaim the magic of my ignorance. I pull it out, try to replicate the aimless antics of my pre-gnostic days, and reassemble the television.

Nothing.

So, it must be dead forever and for good. I'm sure there's gotta' be a technical explanation. I just wish I didn't know it.