Drinking the Blues Away

All evidence indicates that Democrats will be frequently looking for consolation in the coming years of Republican hegemony. And, as you decadent coastal elitists surely know, nothing numbs the pain like a good shot of booze. So, I present to you my “Cocktails of Condolence – A Whine List for the Wearied.”

Kentucky Bourbon – This drink is a little rough going down, and the rougher the better. It should be drunk on the occasion of Democratic incumbents (any office) in the South or Midwest being defeated by arch-conservative Republicans.

Vodka – I recommend learning to drink vodka without mixer nor chaser. It is best drunk on the occasion of illiberal crackdowns in Russia by Vladimir Putin that go unremarked by the U.S. Administration.

Screwdriver – Best to drink when taking it straight in the eye. I recommend this soothing beverage in the event of a Bush Administration employee retaining his job after an amazingly egregious act of incompetence.

Manhattan – Should that next terrorist attack come, striking at a vulnerable urban target which still remains unsecured years after 9/11, this will be the only drink for you.

Rob Roy – Perfect for commiserating on the destruction of another cherished federal institution at the hands of some Republican firebrand.

Highballs - An old-fashioned beverage perfect for marking the appointment of a former lobbyist or corporate officer to the regulatory agency of the industry they used to represent.

Cognac - Reserve this beverage for the occasion of a senior Administration official crudely and sneeringly insulting traditional American allies. It would also be appropriate in the event of your political region being described by such a person as "practically French."

Irish Whiskey - Nothing serves better than this drink to lessen the pain of major new "moral values" legislation restricting the rights of gays, promoting abstinence-only "sex education," or further restricting women's access to legal abortion.

Rusty Nails - The perfect drink for news that makes you crave a vaccination. Imbibe heartily when reports are released of increased numbers without health insurance or major reductions in spending for programs delivering health care to society's poorest.

Malt Liquor - A beverage of solidarity, ideal for celebrating the release of the latest unemployment report. Especially prudent if you find yourself counted in the latest statistic.

Gin and Tonic - Easy drinking to accompany revised deficit projections or upward revisions to the federal credit limit.

Sex on the Beach - When the Administration advances a new "environmental protection" initiative that rolls back long-standing environmental regulations, nothing will drown your sorrows better.

Cosmopolitan - If your city is forced to lay off employees or scale back essential services on account of unfair federal redistributionism transferring your great city's wealth to America's anguished "heartland," you'll find the Cosmo resonating perfectly with your world-weary despair.

Scotch Whiskey - The only thing harder than understanding a Scottish dialect is making sense of the President's latest syntactically mangled proposal. When your President says something you just don't understand or too blunt to believe, help yourself to a night of Scotch.